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by Kalpa (orphan_account)



Series: sunshine [4]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cute, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Kalpa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm fucked," Jay said.<br/>"By who? Cuz I need to get the details on how they accomplished that," Hancock replied.</p>
            </blockquote>





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**Author's Note:**

> wow third one today !!!  
> i hope you guys are liking them !!! it's really fun and stress relieving to write so much so i hope you guys like reading all the shit i write ha  
> i hope you enjoy this one !!!  
> PLEASE leave kudos and feedback!!!

Jay counted the stars at night with her fingers, and she always lost count at the same one. It was a dim star; not the brightest of the batch, but for some reason, Jay’s finger stopped and covered it. She’d only ever seen it during a winter night, when her inhales are gnaw at her throat and she feels as though she’s two hundred years old. But when she exhaled she felt as though the frost that danced away from her mouth was going to paint the small window that had obstructed her when she had fought, when she had screamed, when she had woken up briefly to a gun and masked people calling her a back up. 

Back then, she’d had no name. She was just another person, another life, more memories, more thoughts, more emotions. Jay was not Jay; she was simply a confused, scared and angry woman. And she liked to think, on the roof of the old state house wearing nothing more than a one of Hancock’s button shirts and a pair of his pants, that she was still the same as when she’d woken up; confused, scared and angry. But she knew she was much more than that. 

Jay knew when that gun had been fired, she was no longer confused, scared and angry. She knew she was alone, heartbroken and weak. When her little cryogenic refrigerator had opened up and spit her out, she had lay in front of Nate’s pod for what felt like hours, sobbing and hitting it and holding his body in her shaking, cold arms. She had stroked his face, kissed his forehead and taken his wedding ring. Jay had been abandoned, hurt, and broken. 

But the important question was;  _ am I still abandoned, hurt, and broken?  _

_ Or am I confused, scared and angry?  _

_ Or am I something new?  _

After waking up to mutated cockroaches and Deathclaws, Jay was not a popular fan of change. She liked to think she was what she had always been; strong, fearless and loving. But she’d left that all back in her white picket, housewife life, and it’d been blown away with that nuke. It was one default, or the other. 

Being something new was a change, and the Wasteland was already an immaculate, terrifying and nauseating change. She didn’t need another.

And so she sat on the roof of the old state house, a familiar environment for her when returning from a trip. It was no change for her, and so she curled up into herself, and counted the stars. Every star had a different story, nurtured different lives, orbited around in the galaxy repeatedly with no change, no alterations, just a definite route, a definite life. She was jealous of the stars that twinkled above her in the sky. They mocked her, pitied her, reminded her that she was damned to this Earth with this sprawling, unkind Wasteland with countless and infinite changes. But their mocking, pity and reminders were normal, and so she laid there. 

Jay knew it was foolish to be lying upon the roof with no coat, and only 2 hours after being treated by a doctor. The wound was still raw, and newly sewn shut, and when she had climbed up to the roof, she was certain she’d ripped a few of her stitches out. But none of that had stopped her; she was desperate for a reminder that she was Jay, and her life focused around one goal; find Shaun. 

Falling in love was not part of the plan, and so she would shove it out of her life at the first possible opportunity. Love was messy, dirty, and dangerous. It meant commitment, another life to care for, another relationship to worry over. It meant getting wasted at night to forget the last fight, shooting up Psycho to feel powerful after breaking their heart, running away in the middle of the night so they won’t see the tears on your cheeks because you know you won’t survive after the next mission. Love was what she felt for Shaun, and that was the only person she dare love. He was the last reminder of her life before, and she secretly prayed that Shaun would allow her to be what her destroyed default was;  _ strong, fearless and loving.  _

But falling in love with Hancock would bring forth a default she had never experienced. He made her have butterflies flutter in her stomach and chest, made her make dumb jokes just so she could see him smile and hear his laughter, made her lose sleep thinking of what kind of life the two could live. He made her feel what she had for Nate. And she was terrified of that. 

Nate was dead. A loving woman had died with him.

And so she was prepared to flee once it was morning. Jay had a bag waiting for her under one of Hancock’s couches, and she would take it and run to Diamond City as quickly as possible. There, she would get drunk and shoot Psycho into her veins, and cry for a number of days. Then, she would find Shaun, and be strong, fearless and loving. And everything would be okay. 

And then Hancock sat next to her on the roof. 

She hadn’t noticed him climbing up to join her until she heard him sitting, and she quickly jerked up. She felt some of the stitches get ripped from the abrupt movement, and she winced, placing her hand over the wound. Hancock sighed, and gestured for her to come closer to him. She chewed on her lips for a few moments before obeying, scooting forward towards him. He pulled out a needle and some silk, and Jay unbuttoned her shirt, revealing her in just a sports bra. She knew he would try and be respectful in terms of looking, but his words would be anything but. 

“If I’d known you getting shot would let me get a nice look at ya, then I wouldn’t have saved your ass so much,” he joked, voice loud in the silence of winter in Goodneighbor. Jay risked a look up to Hancock’s dark eyes, assuming that the subtle glow from the stars would hide her blush, but when she met his eyes and realized he was staring at her, the heat in her cheeks told her that the glow would not hide it. So she quickly looked away and smiled to herself. 

“I thought you liked my ass though, Hancock,” Jay replied, voice cheeky and much more confident than how she felt. Hancock chuckled quietly to himself and began to stitch her wound shut again. She bit her lip in an attempt to cope with the pain. 

“How could I not after saving it so many times?” he said, and Jay laughed a little at that. She was beyond flustered from his comments, so she just shut her mouth shut and listened to the sound of drunks yelling and junkies spewing strange stories in the distance. If she spoke, she was sure she would stutter and her words would waver, but her silence was not normal, and Hancock noticed. “Why ya so quiet, blue?” he asked, and Jay cursed silently. 

“I..uh..I’m tired,” she hastily replied, and Hancock raised an eyebrow down at her as he finished up her stitches. 

“That’s a lie, and you know it. What’s really up, blue? You haven’t been yourself lately,” he told her, and Jay furrowed her eyebrows, quickly trying to think of an excuse. The excuse itself couldn’t be lame, and she couldn’t go with the typical “I’m just working some stuff out” either. Basically, Jay was fucked. 

With a deep sigh, Jay buttoned her shirt back up and hugged her knees to her chest. Hancock pocketed the needle and silk, and sat next to her, looking up to where she was staring. Together, they silently watched the stars in a comfortable, understanding silence. Hancock knew Jay better than anyone else, save for Nate, but Nate was dead. And he knew when she was silent, it was because words could not speak what she needed them to. So he waited. 

“I’m fucked,” Jay finally said, voice barely above a whisper. Frost flew from her mouth as she whispered the words, dancing up into the air. She looked over to Hancock, who was watching her intensely under the influence of the night. He cocked his head in confusion. 

“By who? Cuz I need to get the details as to how they accomplished that,” he joked, and Jay smiled in embarrassment, tucking her bangs behind her ear as a nervous fidget. 

“ _ No _ , I mean like...emotionally wise...I’m fucked,” she explained, mouth twisted up in a nervous grin. Hancock nodded, and looked back up the stars in thought. 

“Why are ya fucked?”

“Because nothing makes sense anymore. The world’s fucked and since I’m in it I am too. And I can’t find Shaun anywhere, and I almost got sold into a fucking sex trade, and now my emotions are making no sense and I’m just  _ fucked _ ,” she ranted, hands thrown out in obvious exasperation as she vented out her feelings. Hancock was merely watching her as she took a deep breath, and ran her hands over her face and in her hair in obvious frustration. 

“Okay...okay...well… The world’s fucked up, but there are some good things left,” Hancock offered, and Jay snorted. 

“Like what? Some purified water? New beer? New species that could eat you in a fucking  _ second _ ?” Jay hissed, and Hancock laughed silently, shaking his head to himself. 

“That, and there’s some good people left.”

“There’s you, Piper, Valentine, Preston and a handful of others, in comparison of, what? Hundreds of raiders who would rather put a bullet in your ass than to sit down and have a beer with you? This world sucks ass, so I’m fucked,” she vented, pulling on her hair in anger and irritation. Hancock simply nodded, and stared at her with thoughtful eyes for a few moments. Jay furrowed her eyebrows, trying to shove down the butterflies with her anger. It worked for a moment, until he spoke. 

“I’m talking about you, sunshine. You’re one of the last good people left, and lots of people are gonna take advantage of that. But you got something a lot of people don’t; a handsome ghoul watching your ass, and not just for the nice view,” he pointed out, and Jay tried to play off her raging embarrassment by laughing, shaking her head and looking away. 

“I’m not that great. I’ve killed plenty of people, lied to lots of innocent people, looked the other way as someone was robbed. I’ve used chems, gotten really fuckin drunk, made bad decisions. I’m not as good as you make me out to be, Hancock,” she replied, unwilling to accept his compliment. 

Hancock made an expression that acknowledged what she had said, but based on the look in his eyes, he did not accept everything. He reached into his pocket and took out a cigarette and a lighter, bringing it up to his lips and lighting it. Jay watched as he stared up at the stars, taking a long drag and exhaling the smoke. It floated up into the sky, and Jay watched it dissipate with her own breath. Hancock seemed to be doing the same thing, because he spoke quietly. “You’re not as bad as you make yourself seem, either,” he murmured, and she shook her head, throwing out her hands in rejection. 

“I’m not good, Hancock. I’ve  _ killed _ people,” she insisted, looking at him in genuine confusion and hurt at the thought she was a good person. Said ghoul looked over at her, eyes narrowed as he studied her. Under his scrutiny, she felt more bottled anger, hurt and confusion burst. “Back before the fallout, I would’ve  _ never  _ killed a person. Nate shot  _ one  _ man during deployment, and he never got a good night's sleep. It haunted him. It destroyed him. And yet here I am...sleeping just fine, handling myself just fine, I haven’t killed  _ just one man _ . I’ve killed probably over a hundred. I’m a stealing, selfish  _ murderer,”  _ she hissed, tears bubbling to her eyes as all the concealed emotions were summoned to the surface by her frustration. 

Hancock responded by staring at her before nodding, taking another drag of smoke. Jay’s frantic and labored breathing blended with the smoke as it twisted up into the sky, but this time the silence was no comfortable. It was filled to the brim with loud voices, contradicting words and suppressed emotions. And soon, freezing tears last shed on the grave of what once had been. 

“Everyone who is alive has killed someone, blue. You know that,” he reminded her. 

“But not as much as-”

“ _ Listen  _ to me, Jay,” Hancock interrupted, voice hard and brutal but concerned at the same time. She looked up at him in such a helpless manner she saw sadness flicker in his dark eyes. Tears were beginning to leak out from her eyes too, dancing down her cheeks and settling on her jawline. Hancock reached up, and rubbed them away, and she couldn’t help but sniffle. A fond smile crossed his face at the noise. “You aren’t perfect. You’ve demanded so much pay, before, that it was all of the poor farmer’s caps. You’ve shot a few innocent people trying to get by. You’ve robbed dead bodies just for a good chem so you can have  _ one hell  _ of a trip. But you...you see that you’ve fucked up, and you fix it. You fix yourself. And that...that is so rare, blue,” he whispered to her, rubbing her cheek with his thumb. Jay blinked away her tears and sniffled again, and he smirked down at her. “Besides, no one else has got a perfect body like you,” he joked, and she laughed such an unstable laugh that she was scared all of her fear and love would leak out from her body. 

“Thanks, Hancock,” she giggled, and he grinned. 

“Anytime sunshine. Now come down, and let’s get some sleep,” he said, getting to his feet and offering her his hand. She took it and he lead her down from the roof, where she had counted to a new number and gotten past the dim star. 

Hancock insisted she had the bed, and even threatened to pick her up and carry her to it if she didn’t get under the blankets. Finally, when she was settled and falling asleep, she felt the pressure of something being set on top of her, and she smelled the faint scent of Jet, Mentats and beer. Jay smiled, nuzzling what she was sure was Hancock’s jacket, and fell quickly asleep. 

She unpacked her bag the next morning, and didn’t think twice about running away. 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed it!!!  
> PLEASE leave kudos and feedback !!!  
> it's great motivation !!!


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